100% certain? (Altnagelvin radiotherapy unit)...

So today I'm sitting enjoying a Sunday cuppa, listening to the trad session, looking at the pictures in the newspapers.  A few things, (lets face it - a very few things) caught my eye.  Just the usual stuff really, you know: the 'no craic atall' stuff like:

250'000 400'000 500'000 and 50 sinisterly clad Anarchists rampaged through the streets of London wrecking Capitalism's stuff...They were dressed head to toe in black...Remember, Vigilant Citizens! They are always dressed head to toe in black...

In the Serengeti, 1.5million Wildebeest's heads are about to be wrecked by a plan to build a highway through the National Park.  The Wildebeests are currently being ordered to attend a weekly class in order to learn the Green Cross Code, it is thought that this will reduce the number of road deaths in their community during their annual migration from the South to the North.

A rally and march took place in Derry yesterday, as people took to the streets to protest against the shelving of the Altnagelvin radiotherapy unit.  It's all McGimpsey's fault, all of it. His alone.  He's a rogue element in Stormont, he is. Always locking himself in dark cupboards and implementing dastardly deeds all by himself.  So everyone's quite rightly raging with him.  When I interviewed Mr McGimpsey in a dream this afternoon (allegedly), he had this to say:

"Mwahahahaha!! It's all going nicely to plaaaan, mwahaha!!"  But when asked to repeat this he replied: "I said: My heart is broke! I've not slept in weeks but what can I do, ye canny take the knickers off a bare arse! and what with the dissolution of the Assembly and all..."
It was a particularly weird dream; an employee of Derry City Council was painting the daffodils red, all the trees behind him were made of those swirly red and white lollipops.  It was very distracting.  His voice then became a droning mantra of some sort, I went into a trance, there were purple rabbits, and by the time I came round, McGimpsaey was gone and the entire Stormont workforce (dressed, you guessed it, head to toe in black) had snuck up behind me and nicked my camera, my passport, my NI and bank cards, my good coat and my man.  Fucked up. I'm going back off the Aspartame.

Martin McGuinness is 100% certain that Altnagelvin will get the Radiotherapy unit.  So say the Journal, but you can't believe everything you read in the papers.  100%!!  Seriously, Martin??  Not 98%?  No, 100%... Certain. Full stop.
Well, that is weird.  100%, one whole, no question.  On one hand ofcourse this is cause for celebration especially for the families whose lives are crippled by cancer.  On the other hand, it (the statement) is just weird.  After I fell back to sleep after the horrific McGimpsey dream I met Mr McGuinness on a cloud somewhere above Stormont; we were both dressed in coats of many colours.  He was sat in the lotus position, and it has to be said, his posture was excellent. Decades of practice. He was in a state of deep trance but agreed to give us an interview when he saw how class my camera was.

Here is that interview, complete and unabridged:

Me: Marty, what's the craic like?  (Gasps) Can you read minds!?!?

He:  We are The Mind.

Me:  Well, how do you actually know that we'll get the radiotherapy unit??  (realising) Ahhh! Are you gonna get your *nudge nudge* mates to *nudge nudge*, y'know, back of the Creggan shops style like?"

He: (grabs my throat and squeezes it really hard) I have transcended all of that nowwwwwww.... Violence is a dead craft.

Me: (raspy, in pain) But how could you possibly know that?! Goddammit, politicians almost never make direct and absolute statements such as this!!  What's it all about!!?

He: It is because I am 100% certain.

Me:  Is that a lie?

He: It is because I am 100% certain.

Me:  Does that mean you're privvy to something that these people aren't?

He:  It is because I am 100% cert- 100% cert- 100% cert-
(at this point there was a cybernetic hard-drive failure).

Then I woke up.  I was raging, it was a mental dream...Answers on a postcard please Vigilant Citizens.  How does he know that?  Can he read minds afterall? Is he a closet astrologer?  Is wee Mrs Doherty down The Bog doing the readings for him again?  Is this actually an insignificant statement just filling up space in the paper?
I don't think so...I very well could be wrong and I often am, but he's either blatantly lying or blatantly telling the truth.  No grey areas in that kind of statement.  How timely! The Assembly is dissolved and an election is looming, and we have an issue which has angered a broad spectrum of the electorate.  They are 100% certain the plans have been shelved now.  This is a service which would greatly improve the daily lives of cancer sufferers and their families, cancer is understandably a highly emotive issue and few are untouched by it's influence...

(At this point the blog was interrupted by another bout of narcolepsy.  This time the dream was extremely sketchy but I remember there was a huge elephant in a big swanky room with gourmet triangle sandwiches on platters and loads of suits with no people in them sitting round a large table playing boardgames such as chess and monopoly whilst waiting for the results of something...)


Jordan's ex Alex has told how he has been driven to suicide after she moved her long-term lover of 3 days into her home.  He remained alive just long enough to ring the Daily Mirror, The Sun and Celebs magazine (allegedly).

Afraid for her career again, Kerry Katona has stripped to her underwear for pictures.  She hopes she'll get another stint on 'I'm a Celebrity' out of it, and that her public will once again deem her worthy of worship.

Hey, that's the media for ya! ;O)